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Get Out of Your Own Way

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I wish I could say I have writer’s block. It wouldn’t be a total lie. However, perhaps conversely to much of the internet I don’t feel anonymous behind the keyboard. Rather, I feel exposed and vulnerable. I like to hide from things that are hard and scary. So I avoid writing.

The other day in group we were talking about long term goals. Mine was writing my memoir. Inwardly, I grimaced at myself How’s that going for you? Cue negative self talk. I can’t even maintain my blog.

I’m in my own way because my fear literally clouds my brain. We cannot access our prefrontal cortex (where all the high end human function happens) when we are stuck in fight or flight mode which is the instinctive lower end reptilian part of the brain. I’m effectively shut off to what makes me smart and creative when my anxiety is so high.

Though I do get in my own way, perhaps it is a good time for me to take a lesson from things I say to my clients and people I care for and that is “give yourself a little grace.” I’ve just come from 4 months of intensive therapy. No one would say the last year and a half hasn’t been hard, to say the least – even without knowing any of my personal details.

I’m looking forward to rolling out some more amateur poetry and other ramblings and meanderings.

I Stopped Writing

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I’ve done myself – and perhaps you – a disservice and I’m sorry.

I stopped writing. A quick jaunt through my previous posts and I smiled – I’m proud of the work I did; why did I stop?

Fear.

Right.

The truth is I did lose my mind a little. And as evidenced by literature, referrals I’m seeing in my inbox, the news, and my colleague burnout, I’m not the only one. Mine might have been a bit more intense than some, perhaps less than others. I needed care away from home to support me and that’s tough to acknowledge when you’re the professional.

I packed my bags, kissed my loved ones, and boarded that plane. Then I had to remember how to be the one cared for. The one encouraged to take up space in a group and not facilitate everyone else’s healing. The one trying a med change after 11 years because it was a safe setting to do so.

Being the patient. Being not in control of anything. And being ok with that.

Current Obsession

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When you dye your hair purple
I’m officially a makeup fanatic

So yeah. This is what has been taking my free time. As well as makeup tutorials because having purple hair freed me from my worries of looking too old. I couldn’t figure out how to dress comfortably for my age (read: business casual and muted) to avoid the “you’re too old for that” until one day I said to myself, “you have purple hair; you can do anything you want.”

Being in private practice gives me some creative freedoms when it comes to attire anyway so jeans are my everyday look. Pair em with some Vans and I’m good to go with my purple hair and whatever slightly muted spunky makeup I do for the day. I have never been particularly concerned about the latest fashion but I’ll wear what’s in if I like it. Otherwise it very well is an expression of me.

Favorite tee of all time.

Random Bits

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I thought I’d share 10 obscure, random facts about me and I hope my readers will reciprocate!

1. This one isn’t really too obscure but I’m obsessed with all things unicorn.

2. I sat on a flat iron on my 21st birthday. I was not clothed. Cue 2nd degree burns.

3. When I was 12 I was babysitting these kids who had a loft looking down to their living room. I jumped off the loft and landed on the couch. They didn’t ask me to babysit anymore.

4. When I was 19, a red car was tailgating me on the highway and when they passed I mouthed the word “asshole.” The driver careened into my lane and forced me onto the shoulder. I keep my road anger to myself now.

5. I once gave a friend the address of the house of my date with instructions to send the police if she hadn’t heard from me by a specified time. My phone was on silent. The police came.

6. I locked my keys in my car on campus unknowingly and after two hours of work I realized I must have locked them in. Since this was a frequent occurrence I didn’t bother checking first and headed over to public safety for assistance. They said, “we’ve been trying to find you. Your car is running.”

7. I have a phobia of maggots.

8. I totaled a car in a parking garage because I hit the gas instead of the brakes. The nearby construction workers were amused.

9. I used to somersault down the hall in high school before cheer practice. My spine had a bruise for three years.

10. My dad was a race car driver. Pretty sure he face palms from heaven when I do dumb things in my car.

Tell me yours!!!

Bad Scriptwriting

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Scene: 2020, year of COVID pandemic.

Lead Role: female

Co star: 365 allergies

Supporting role: anxiety

January
Lead: “Oh dang. I have a sinus headache again. Pass me the aspirin.”
Co star: “Want to try a decongestant?”
Lead: “Ok but the one that wont make me tired.”

February
Lead: “Oh I have a sinus headache again. Maybe it’s an infection.”
Co star: “Nah, take Sudafed this time.”

March
Lead, annoyed: “Who has allergies in the winter anyway, honestly?”
Support: “Maybe you have that coronavirus they’re talking about.”
Female rolls eyes.

April
Lead: “I mean, I get these headaches all the time; just sinusitis right? I’ll just take my temperature.”
Co star snickers.
Support: “But I have to take Sudafed and it makes me tired but also unable to sleep. How am I supposed to therapize under such influence?” cries

May
Support: “Maybe it’s really coronavirus. Surely one can’t feel this awful from a sinus headache.”
Co star smirks
Lead, to co workers: “No it’s just allergies, I promise. I took my temperature.”

June
Lead: “Why is my body so weird? Who gets a reprieve from allergies in the summer?”
Co star, annoyed: “I’m still here I’m just not destroying your sinuses at the moment. Use the flonase.”
Support: “Should take my temperature to be certain I don’t have coronavirus.”

July
Co star, dancing around gleefully: “Here we go.”
Support: “Oh my God, my head really hurts. Like really. It’s coronavirus, I know it.”
Lead: “I’ll take my temperature.”

August
Co star, screaming: “HAHAHAHAAA you feel like crap don’t you?”
Support: “Should I stay home from work? What if it is coronavirus this time and not allergies?”
Lead: “I took my temperature, it’s fine. I’ll just work from home again to be safe.”
Support: “Oh my God I can’t taste or smell anything!”
Lead: “This happens every time you take Sudafed. Calm down.”

September
Support: “I will never know if I have coronavirus. I should just isolate myself until the pandemic is over.”
Co star falls, laughing hysterically.
Lead: “I need a vacation.”

2020 and Social Media

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Last night I got my partner to join snapchat as it’s just an easier way to communicate for me. Upon creating his user name, the suggestion included “2020” and I said, you better not; we want to forget this year ever happened.” Cue laughter.

That’s the funny side of social media. Where we all make jokes about the ridiculousness that is 2020 to cover up the pain and anxiety of the uncertainty and sheer disbelief of the continued onslaught.

Then there’s masks and Black Lives Matter. Suddenly, social media became the theater for division and hate. I have been on Facebook for a very long time (OG right here) and I had to leave. People I had long respected broke my heart. My view of the world became distorted and I was like “if this is how it’s gon’ be, I want out. Jesus come take me home.” Then I found Tik Tok and it was a breath of fresh air. We laugh, we are real, we build each other up, we are genuine. I recognize the Tik Tok algorithm puts me with my people based on how I interact with Tik Tok, but it is the first social media I’ve ever intentionally NOT searched for people I know in real life. I don’t want people in my community simply because we’ve passed on the street, share blood, or had a class together. I want you in my life because you choose to be and we vibe together. No room for hate.

That is the beautiful side of social media. Connecting with people you would never meet as a passerby. I have friends from Australia and Canada who are more supportive than most of the people I’ve been friends with on Facebook for 10 years.

I’m not sure where I was attempting to go with this, other than the few people in my real life I’ve invited to my Tik Tok or even have shared this blog with have literally no response. “Left me on read” the kids would say. I have to brush it off and move on, keep moving forward. I’m still human.

Restrained

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She looks deeply into the looking glass and repeats the words, beginning to smile. Her reflection peers back at her, encouraging.

Just as quickly, her eyes become sad. The four walls of tradition remind her. You were unsafe without this. Do not trust yourself to stand alone. You will fall.

Crestfallen, she retreats. It would be stupid, I know. Why fix something that isn’t broken? Remain safe. Restrained.

Will you keep living a lie?

Full Disclosure

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I intend to write a memoir one day. Blogging is a way of dipping my toes into public authenticity. One post at a time, the depths of my life will come to light for all the world to see. All the world connotes.. well, everyone. Can we stop a minute and appreciate how terrifying it is to put oneself out there? (Insert grimaced emoji here). I’ve put off writing my memoir in fear of revealing myself to the public as a professional. Yes I am aware simply putting it on the internet will not ensure every person will read it. Honestly, I’m cool with strangers reading it. It’s the people I’ve known or could know (potential clients) that is terrifying to me. Once it is published, it is out there forever. I ask myself every time I make a blog post or a Tik Tok am I comfortable with my clients knowing this about me?

The struggle that ultimately led to my becoming a therapist is precisely the reason I want to be public. To be an example of a person with significant mental health difficulties still successful as an adult and a professional. There’s a fear my credibility will be diminished. I’m keenly aware of my position as a professional, however, to combat stigma and instill hope in those who are still struggling. It is less a matter of “I want to be public” and more “I have to be public.”

We are all just trying to do the best we can with what we have.

Experience Strength and Hope

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I didn’t come up with the title but it’s funny how all my friends of Dr. Bob and Bill W will know exactly where it came from. I could list a bunch more but my fellows know what I’m referring to.

And if you don’t, it doesn’t matter. For it is but one way to say “I have struggled and have found a better way.” We can all relate to that sentiment. Unless you haven’t found your way yet. If this is you, I encourage you to keep searching.

It took me a long time to catch hold of that previously elusive anchor. I peered into the bottle for it. I thought June Cleaver could show me it. I clung to toxic people in hopes they might have it. I starved to achieve it. I thought when I made the Dean’s List, it would be next to it.

I finally learned “it” is the journey. It is tolerating ambiguity and distress, being my own cheerleader, and opening myself to healthy relationships with people who champion my personal development. It is removing internal and external destruction of myself. And using skills to manage the inevitable waves that come with human experience.

I’m not free from struggle, not even free from hopelessness. I am armed with knowledge and experience reminding me to take everything one day – sometimes one breath – at a time.